Alloya’s Top Tips – Tip 6- Detached Compassion


If you are a lightworker, or a healer or anything of this nature one of the most important skills that you can learn is Detached Compassion. The dictionary definition of compassion is, sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. This is a good human quality however when you are in the role of healer or therapist feeling this kind of compassion is not necessarily beneficial to you or your client.

So let’s explore the difference between compassion, and detached compassion. As the dictionary states compassion is having sympathy, pity or feeling sorry for someone. In our everyday lives this kind of compassion ensures that we remain open hearted and empathic to the suffering of others. However with this kind of compassion it is very easy for our own inner issues to be triggered, the reason that we can empathize with the other person’s suffering is because we have had an experience of this suffering ourselves. Often when we move into these compassionate states we are severely triggered and we begin to project our pain onto the other person, thinking that they must be feeling this also. Through this kind of compassion it is very easy to misdiagnose your clients pain because you are projecting your own onto them. For a lot of healers they do not recognise this going on because they will draw clients to them who also share the same kind of pain. However if you have a client with an issue which you have had no experience of, you may not be able to empathise with them because you do not have the same triggers.

Compassion is having pity or feeling sorry for a person, this is not empowering for your clients. By projecting your pain onto your client, or simply seeing them as being poor and weak, will only add to their suffering. As a therapist, or as a healer, you are to set the standard , if you are too busy feeling your own pain which has been triggered by your client through compassion, then you are of no use to your client whatsoever. You can try this out with your friends and family when they are feeling unwell. Move into compassion for them , pity and see them as suffering and you will notice how their body language will express fatigue, tiredness , more illness and they will visually look disempowered. Even though you may think you are being a loving person and having this kind of compassion, really you are projecting on to the unwell person that they are weak. There is no way on earth you can heal anyone from this standpoint. You need to cultivate detached compassion.

Detached compassion is acknowledging the other person’s pain but not being pulled into it because of your own triggers. You in yourself are staying neutral , unemotional and not pulled in or attached to your client’s healing. Instead of seeing your clients as poor and pitying them , detached compassion allows you to acknowledge their pain but to see them as capable of healing this pain themselves. If you as the healer can maintain this stance of detached compassion you will notice that your clients will heal more completely and quicker. You are seeing them and holding the image of them as being powerful souls who have chosen this experience for a reason and are also fully capable of healing this with your support. Detached compassion enables you to remain in your role of healer and do your job without making it about yourself.

I have noticed over the 25 years of doing this kind of work, going on trainings and seminars myself that many teachers or healers project their issues on to their clients and then try to heal out these issues . This is simply transference , the healer is triggered by something similar going on in their clients and instead of remaining detached they get entwined with their clients . Often healing session such as this are more about the healer than the paying client. No wonder many people have little or no success with this kind of healing.

So what do you do if a client triggers you , simply recognise that you have unresolved issues and it is time to turn your healing skills on to yourself. Go away and work on those issues and then you will be able to move into detached compassion and actually do your job as a healer correctly. As you practice detached compassion you will notice your clients will change. You will no longer attract clients to you who do not really want to heal , rather they are with you for sympathy. Sympathy is a good quality but it is not empowering to your client and will only make your client intuitively feel, you are not really capable of helping them heal because you yourself have the same unresolved issues going on.

There are many people out there who pay a lot of money for healing sessions but really they have no intention of healing. They are there for sympathy, pity and to cause you to feel their pain as your own. I am sure you have had someone in your life who has complained about an illness , yet when you offer a solution or help they refuse it . Many will cover this over with the idea that they do not want to bother the other person but this is false because if they really felt this concern, they would not even share their complaint . People get a lot out of being ill as crazy as that may sound , people get attention from others, can opt out of life because they are too ill and in extreme cases they can use their illness as a manipulation tool. If you remain in compassion for these clients then you are not only incapable of supporting them , but you are opening yourself up for attachment by the client. Your client will feel only you understand them , that only you can help them or rather do it for them. No healing comes as a result of this. If you then try to pull away from this client or put in place boundaries , your client will only see this as you cutting off the connection and they will inevitably see you as not caring . Do not allow those attachments in the first place by staying in detached compassion.

As you move along this path of detached compassion you may be challenged by your soul, it will bring more poor people into your healing practice, so you can prove to yourself you have mastered the ability to stay in detached compassion. Sometimes the challenge is great and your soul will attract to you a client who is of a narcissistic personality. The Narcissist client is not with you to heal they are with you to suck off your life force , they are masters at illusion and can often paint themselves as a victim when in truth they are the victimiser. It is well known among therapists that a client can begin to transfer all sorts of issues upon the therapist , often those with narcissist tendencies will project on to the therapist. If you are in compassion and attached the moment this begins to happen you will feel uncomfortable in your body, as the projections take hold. This does not happen if you are in detached compassion , the client cannot project on to you . If you do attract a client of a narcissist personality then my advice is to stop working with that client , you cannot help them if they are too busy projecting or even blaming you for their issues. Remember Narcissists are not there to heal but to feed , do not become their favorite food. You have a duty to keep yourself safe first.